On a lighter Note 18th July 14
Bob wanted to uplift his status in
life but his boss had not giving him a raise for quite some time.
Exasperated, one day Bob went to his boss and said: “I have been working here for a long time and have gained quiet a reputation and I really need a raise and now. if you don't there are three other companies after me.
Boss: “Oh yes? What three companies?”
Bob: “The Telephone Company, the Mortgage Company and Electricity Company.”
Bob got the raise!
Exasperated, one day Bob went to his boss and said: “I have been working here for a long time and have gained quiet a reputation and I really need a raise and now. if you don't there are three other companies after me.
Boss: “Oh yes? What three companies?”
Bob: “The Telephone Company, the Mortgage Company and Electricity Company.”
Bob got the raise!
On a Lighter Note 11th July 14
Tips to improve your writing skills:
1. Avoid alliteration always
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive substitute will suffice.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous and a complete waste of time and space.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negative.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
30. A preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.
31. Don't overdo exclamation marks!!!
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid clichés like the plague; they’re old hat; seek viable alternatives, at the end of the day.
40. If you say "last", end on that one and never add anything afterwards.
Forty One: Be consistent with your lay out
41. Profanity sucks.
42. Learn people to use language correctly.
On a Lighter Note 4 July 14
An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and a health insurance executive die and go to heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ''Welcome to heaven, my son.'' God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ''I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,'' the doctor replies. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' God says. God then turns to the health insurance executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for a health insurance company. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' says God, ''but you have to leave in three days.''
On a Lighter Note 27 June 14
A family bought an apartment and started interior decorations. Wife tells her husband:
- Honey, go to the neighbours and ask how many rolls of wallpapers they have bought when they were decorating their walls.
The husband went to the neighbours and he was told:
- Twelve rolls.
The family bought twelve rolls, started decorating but at the end six rolls were left unused. They couldn't believe it
- The next day he met the neighbour who enquired how the wallpapering went. Great said the man, except we have six rolls left over."That's funny said the neighbour - so have we!".
- Honey, go to the neighbours and ask how many rolls of wallpapers they have bought when they were decorating their walls.
The husband went to the neighbours and he was told:
- Twelve rolls.
The family bought twelve rolls, started decorating but at the end six rolls were left unused. They couldn't believe it
- The next day he met the neighbour who enquired how the wallpapering went. Great said the man, except we have six rolls left over."That's funny said the neighbour - so have we!".
On a Lighter Note 20th June 14
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions.'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions.'
On a Lighter Note 13th June 14
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall - it was the first time they had been away from their own village and they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".
On a Lighter Note 6th June 2014
In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die.
If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry
On a Lighter Note 30th May 2014
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
On a Lighter Note 9th May 2014
Joe passed away. His will provided €30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but €30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was €6,500. I donated €500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another €500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "€22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but €30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was €6,500. I donated €500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another €500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "€22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
On a Lighter Note 2nd May 2014
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus,
were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the
road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, and God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Seamus yells out, "Hey, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, and God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Seamus yells out, "Hey, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
On a Lighter Note 25th April 2014
One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
On a Lighter Note 18th April 2014
Paul and Eileen are flying to Australia for a two week holiday to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, because the aircraft is not fitted with a black box flight recorder, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Paul turns to his wife and asks, "Eileen, did we pay the mortgage this month?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Paul, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Eileen, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Eileen. Did you remember to send cheques for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Paul," begged Esther. "I didn't send those either."
Paul grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Eileen pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Paul answers, "They'll find us!"
On a Lighter Note 11th April 2014
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and very
upset when his girlfriend wrote to break off their engagement and asked for her
photograph back. So he went out and collected from his colleagues all the
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent
them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you
are. Please keep your own photo and return the others.”
On a Lighter Note 4th April 2014
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!" St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
On a Lighter Note 28th March 2014
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he
advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI
insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was
having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of
the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the
back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics
of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI
Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000
to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle
and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000. Now,"
he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle
first?"
On a Lighter Note 21st March 2014
WARNING the
consumption of alcohol may:
- Create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
- Lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
- Cause you to think you can sing.
- Cause pregnancy.
- Be a major factor in causing you to dance like a retard.
- Cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them!
- Make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
- Make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- You have been warned!
On a Lighter Note 14th March 2014
Stella Awards -
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy
Here are the Stellas for this past year:
SEVENTH PLACE
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
SIXTH PLACE
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
FIFTH PLACE
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
FOURTH PLACE
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
THIRD PLACE
Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
SECOND PLACE
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...
FIRST PLACE
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
If you think the court system is out of control and we have lost ALL common sense, be sure to pass this one on!!!
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy
Here are the Stellas for this past year:
SEVENTH PLACE
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
SIXTH PLACE
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
FIFTH PLACE
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
FOURTH PLACE
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
THIRD PLACE
Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
SECOND PLACE
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...
FIRST PLACE
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
If you think the court system is out of control and we have lost ALL common sense, be sure to pass this one on!!!
On a Lighter Note 7 March 2014
A defence attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
On a Lighter Note 28 February 2014
A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
On a Lighter Note 21 February 2014
Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"
On a Lighter Note - 14 February 2014
A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.
"What are you doing? You can't drink that stuff!"
"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."
"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"
"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."
"What are you doing? You can't drink that stuff!"
"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."
"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"
"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."
On a Lighter Note - 7th February 2014
A guy took his girlfriend to her first American football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
On a Lighter Note - 31st January 2014
A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous, young woman enters. The man can’t stop staring at her. The young woman notices this and walks directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman says to him, "I'll do anything you want me to do, no matter what, for €100, with one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asks what the condition is. The young woman replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket, and hands the woman five €20 notes. He looks deeply into her eyes and slowly says, "Paint my house."
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman says to him, "I'll do anything you want me to do, no matter what, for €100, with one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asks what the condition is. The young woman replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket, and hands the woman five €20 notes. He looks deeply into her eyes and slowly says, "Paint my house."
On a Lighter Note - 24th January 2014
To assess the
difference between the public and private sector, they decided to have a
competitive boat race on the river Liffey. Both teams practiced hard and long
to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they
could be.
The Private sector team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the public sector team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the private sector team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the Public sector team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The Public Sector Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and millions of Euro the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the private sector team again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Private sector team won by two miles.
The Public sector laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
The Private sector team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the public sector team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the private sector team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the Public sector team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The Public Sector Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and millions of Euro the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the private sector team again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Private sector team won by two miles.
The Public sector laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
On a Lighter Note - 17th January 2014
A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
On a Lighter Note - 10th January 2014
Two hunters were in the forest tracking deer, when all of a sudden one fell down on the ground. John ran over to him and found that he wasn't moving, his eyes were glazed over, his face completely white and there wasn't a move out of him. Not knowing what to do, he rang the emergency services and was put through to the operator, he explained where he was and that he thought his friend was dead, he asked the operator what he should do. "Well the first thing you have to do" said the operator, "is to make sure he is dead" . "OK" said John. Then there was a moments silence, a loud gun shot noise, a moment later John came back to the phone "OK" he said, "Now what do I do?"
On a Lighter Note - 3rd January 2014
A girl was being interviewed for a Credit Management role in a large company. During the interview they went through all the standard questions and were very impressed by the way she handled them all, not to mention her experience and qualifications that exceeded what was required.
Then one of the interviewers asked her "What is your main weakness?".
She replied " Well, I suppose my main weakness is my honesty"
The interviewer immediately replied " I don't think honestly is a weakness"
She said "Well, I don't give a damn what you think..."
Then one of the interviewers asked her "What is your main weakness?".
She replied " Well, I suppose my main weakness is my honesty"
The interviewer immediately replied " I don't think honestly is a weakness"
She said "Well, I don't give a damn what you think..."
On a Lighter Note - 20th December 2013
Joe was in his late seventies living in the west of Ireland with his wife and they were married for forty nine years. One day he was on the phone to his son in London and at the end of the call he dropped the bombshell that he was leaving his wife and starting a new life. The son was very upset and said "Don't do anything rash, particularly after all these years, I'll call my sister and she will have a chat with you"
A few minutes later the daughter called distraught "Dad I can't believe what Des just told me, we have to talk" "That's one of the problems said the dad I don't have anyone to talk to." The daughter said " Dad, promise me you won't do anything, Des & I will come over and see if we can help you work things out." The father agreed. At the end of the call Joe's wife enquired "What was that all about". Joe said "Good news, they are both coming home for Christmas and we don't have to pay for the flights!"
A few minutes later the daughter called distraught "Dad I can't believe what Des just told me, we have to talk" "That's one of the problems said the dad I don't have anyone to talk to." The daughter said " Dad, promise me you won't do anything, Des & I will come over and see if we can help you work things out." The father agreed. At the end of the call Joe's wife enquired "What was that all about". Joe said "Good news, they are both coming home for Christmas and we don't have to pay for the flights!"
On a Lighter Note - 13th December 2013
Bob, a 67-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly stunning 25-year-old blonde, who knocks everyone's socks off with her beauty and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 92.'
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 92.'
On a Lighter Note - 6th December 2013
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, the local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, the local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie
On a Lighter Note - 29th November 2013
Performance Evaluations
-- Since my last report, this employee not only hit rock bottom, he's begun tunneling.
-- His team would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
-- I would not allow this employee to breed.
-- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
-- He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
-- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
-- Clients detest this employee on sight.
-- She brings a lot of joy whenever she leaves the room.
-- If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
-- A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
-- Already donated his brain to science.
-- An employee of two minds: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
-- If you give her a penny for her thoughts, you'll get change.
-- Unbelievable that this one beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.
-- The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
-- Since my last report, this employee not only hit rock bottom, he's begun tunneling.
-- His team would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
-- I would not allow this employee to breed.
-- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
-- He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
-- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
-- Clients detest this employee on sight.
-- She brings a lot of joy whenever she leaves the room.
-- If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
-- A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
-- Already donated his brain to science.
-- An employee of two minds: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
-- If you give her a penny for her thoughts, you'll get change.
-- Unbelievable that this one beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.
-- The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
On a Lighter Note - 22nd November 2013
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the shopping centre, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for €19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for €19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for €19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for €19.95, Barbie Goes nightclubbing for €19.95, and Divorced Barbie for €265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie €265.00 when all the others are only €19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
On a Lighter Note
One day two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through old scrolls. "You see these are the originals and all the new scrolls were copied from these" "Can I see one?" "Sure, this one outlines the rules for being a monk".
All of a sudden the monks face turns white and he falls to his knees.
What's wrong said the young monk.
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!!!
All of a sudden the monks face turns white and he falls to his knees.
What's wrong said the young monk.
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!!!
On a Lighter Note - 1st November 2013
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic. The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic! 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make you blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make you blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.
On a Lighter Note - 11th October 2013
TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Rick Perry happened to appear. Gov. Perry took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' he asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Perry thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
They walk among us!
On a Lighter Note - 27th September 2013
Two old friends meet and they hadn't seen each other in ages, one guy had a Doberman Pincher with him and the other had a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get a cup of coffee."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "OK, Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures "what the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
On a Lighter Note - 13th September 2013
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is
thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it,
he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be
smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please
my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's
co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
When my boss takes a long time, he is
thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it,
he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be
smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please
my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's
co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
On a Lighter Note - 6th September 2013
The phone rings at the military motor pool and an authoritative voice demands to know
how many vehicles are operational.
Paddy answers, "We've got 12 trucks, 10 utilities, three staff cars and that
Bentley the fat-assed colonel drives around in."
There is a stony silence.
"Do you know who you are speaking to?" demands the gruff voice.
"No," says Paddy.
"This is the fat-assed colonel you so insubordinately referred to."
"Well, do you know who you are talking to?" asks Paddy
"No," roars the colonel.
"Well thank God for that," says Paddy as he hangs up the phone.
how many vehicles are operational.
Paddy answers, "We've got 12 trucks, 10 utilities, three staff cars and that
Bentley the fat-assed colonel drives around in."
There is a stony silence.
"Do you know who you are speaking to?" demands the gruff voice.
"No," says Paddy.
"This is the fat-assed colonel you so insubordinately referred to."
"Well, do you know who you are talking to?" asks Paddy
"No," roars the colonel.
"Well thank God for that," says Paddy as he hangs up the phone.
On a Lighter Note - 30th August 2013
Things NOT to say to a Police officer who stops you when you are driving,,,
-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.
-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.
-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?
-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.
-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you.
-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.
-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.
-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?
-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.
-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you.
-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
On a Lighter Note - 23rd August 13
Two American tourists were driving through Cork. As they approached Gurranabraher, they started arguing about the proper pronunciation of the name.
They went back and forth until they stopped for lunch. At the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
They went back and forth until they stopped for lunch. At the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
On a Lighter Note - 16th August 13
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
On a Lighter Note - 9th August 2013
Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was wonderful."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was wonderful."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
On a Lighter Note - 2nd August 2013
One day in maths class the teacher asked Bobby who was not renowned as a scholar "Bobby, if you had 45 cents and you asked your father for 63 cents, how much would you have, Bobby thought about it for a couple of minutes and said "45 cents". The teacher was a little annoyed and said "Bobby, you don't know simple sums" and Bobby said "You don't know my father"
On a Lighter Note - 26th July 2013
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
On a Lighter Note - 19th July 2013
Two students decide to go skiing for the weekend, and are having such a good time they decide to skip the exam that they have scheduled for Monday morning in order to get some final runs in before they head back to school. They decide to tell the professor that they got a flat tyre and therefore deserve to take the exam at a rescheduled time.
Hearing the story, said professor agrees that it really was just bad luck, and of course they can take the exam later. At the appointed time, the prof greets them and places them in two separate rooms to take the exam.
The few questions on the first page are worth a minor 10% of the overall grade, and are quite easy. Each student grows progressively confident as they take the test, sure that they have gotten away with fooling the professor. However, when they turn to the second page they discover that they really haven't.
The only question on the page, worth 90% of the exam, reads: "Which tyre was flat?"
Hearing the story, said professor agrees that it really was just bad luck, and of course they can take the exam later. At the appointed time, the prof greets them and places them in two separate rooms to take the exam.
The few questions on the first page are worth a minor 10% of the overall grade, and are quite easy. Each student grows progressively confident as they take the test, sure that they have gotten away with fooling the professor. However, when they turn to the second page they discover that they really haven't.
The only question on the page, worth 90% of the exam, reads: "Which tyre was flat?"
On a Lighter Note - 12th July 2013
A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'
"Just cats," he said.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'
"Just dogs," he said.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'
"Just cats," he said.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'
"Just dogs," he said.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''
On a Lighter Note - 5th July 2013
A husband and wife were out shopping in the supermarket and were on a bit of an economy drive. When they got to the beer section the husband put a €20 box of beer in the trolly. The wife asked him to put it back as they were looking to save money and this purchase wasn't considered essential, the husband reluctantly agreed. When they got to the cosmetics aisle, the wife picked up a tub of face cream for €40, and put it in the trolly.
The husband asked "Is that purchase really necessary?" and the wife said "Yes it is"." Why?" enquired the husband. "Because it makes me look beautiful" replied the wife. He said "So does the beer and it only costs half the price"
The husband asked "Is that purchase really necessary?" and the wife said "Yes it is"." Why?" enquired the husband. "Because it makes me look beautiful" replied the wife. He said "So does the beer and it only costs half the price"
On a Lighter Note - 28th June 2013
Three girls Molly, Mandy and Mindy worked in the same office for a female boss. The boss left early every day and left the three girls alone. On day Molly said "Why don't we go home early ourselves - she will never know" So they agreed "Why not"
That afternoon Molly was delighted to get extra work done in the garden, Mandy went to a bar. When Mindy got home she found her husband in bed with the female boss, and walked out of the house.
The next morning Molly said "That was great, we should do that again" Mandy agreed. Mindy said "No way - I nearly got caught!"
That afternoon Molly was delighted to get extra work done in the garden, Mandy went to a bar. When Mindy got home she found her husband in bed with the female boss, and walked out of the house.
The next morning Molly said "That was great, we should do that again" Mandy agreed. Mindy said "No way - I nearly got caught!"
On a Lighter Note - 21st June 2013
I went to the gym yesterday and said to a trainer, 'which machine can I use to impress that beautiful blonde over there' He took one look at me and replied, 'Try the cash machine outside the front door"
On a Lighter Note - 14th June 2013
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.
That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.
That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
On a Lighter Note - 7th June 2013
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel..."
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel..."
On a Lighter Note - 31st May 2013
Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?
On a Lighter Note - 24th May 2013
A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The assistant brought him to the section and asked him to pick one. "What about the yellow one? asked the man. "That one costs €2,000. The man is shocked - why is it so expensive?
"This parrot is really special he can type and types really fast."
"What about the green one?"
"That one is €3,000 - she can type really fast and answer the phone and relay messages."
"What about the red one then?" asked the man. The assistant says "that one is €10,000."
"What does he do?" asked the man. The assistant said "I don't know but the others call him the boss"
The assistant brought him to the section and asked him to pick one. "What about the yellow one? asked the man. "That one costs €2,000. The man is shocked - why is it so expensive?
"This parrot is really special he can type and types really fast."
"What about the green one?"
"That one is €3,000 - she can type really fast and answer the phone and relay messages."
"What about the red one then?" asked the man. The assistant says "that one is €10,000."
"What does he do?" asked the man. The assistant said "I don't know but the others call him the boss"
On a Lighter Note - 17th May 2013
Tenders were invited for a public contract and three quotes were requested. The Scottish contractor put in a price of €4m, the English contractor put in a price of €10m. The official who was a friend of the Irish contractor, tipped him off in advance of the value of the tenders that were in, so he was a bit surprised when the Irish contractor put in a bid of €12m. He called Paddy to find out the logic of his tender. "Oh that's easy," he said. "I was thinking €4m for you, €4m for me and we get the Scottish lad to do it.
On a Lighter Note - 10th May 2013
Waiting on the A22 , to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.
Says he to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back
...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies
"You weren't speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.
" "Slower than the speed limit?
No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120
Says he to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back
...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies
"You weren't speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.
" "Slower than the speed limit?
No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120
On a Lighter Note - 3rd May 2013
A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, "Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go -- don't throw a fit. It won't be long."
In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says, "There, there, Missy, don't cry. Two more aisles, and we'll be checking out."
When they get to the checkout stand, the little girl howls for the gum. The mother says, reassuringly, "Missy, we'll be done in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."
In the parking lot, the man stops the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he says.
The mother sighs, "Oh, no -- my little girl's name is Francine. I'm Missy."
In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says, "There, there, Missy, don't cry. Two more aisles, and we'll be checking out."
When they get to the checkout stand, the little girl howls for the gum. The mother says, reassuringly, "Missy, we'll be done in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."
In the parking lot, the man stops the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he says.
The mother sighs, "Oh, no -- my little girl's name is Francine. I'm Missy."
On a Lighter Note - 26th April 2013
Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
On a Lighter Note - 19th April 2013
A priest and a Rabbi worked in the same area and both were feeling the pinch financially. One day they spoke and discovered that they both needed a new car and neither could afford to buy one. Then an idea struck them - Why not buy a car between them, one could use it on Sunday, the other on Saturday, they could share it the other days of the week and adjust their diaries accordingly. Perfect.
Each of them had a car for half the cost - great. They went to the garage to collect the car and as arranged the priest had the car the first night, so after a spin around the neighborhood, the priest dropped the Rabbi home and went home himself. The next day the Rabbi came to collect the car and found the priest out with holy water blessing the car. "What are you doing?" asked the Rabbi - "I'm blessing the car - it is a catholic tradition" So before he drove off, the Rabbi cut two inches off the exhaust pipe.
Each of them had a car for half the cost - great. They went to the garage to collect the car and as arranged the priest had the car the first night, so after a spin around the neighborhood, the priest dropped the Rabbi home and went home himself. The next day the Rabbi came to collect the car and found the priest out with holy water blessing the car. "What are you doing?" asked the Rabbi - "I'm blessing the car - it is a catholic tradition" So before he drove off, the Rabbi cut two inches off the exhaust pipe.
On a Lighter Note - 12th April 2013
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby hotel, it was their first time away from their own village. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves right at the end of the lobby.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
On a Lighter Note - 5th April 2013
Two farmers were talking in a pub one night. Mick said to Joe " You won't believe what happened to me this morning, I was pulling out of my field in my tractor at seven o'clock as I always do. Then out of no where a big BMW appeared, he must have been doing 100 miles per hour. He swerved violently, the car went up on the ditch turned over on its roof and landed just behind me in the field. The car was wrecked but the driver wasn't badly injured" Joe thought about this for a minute and replied "God Mick weren't you lucky you got out of that field just in time."
On a Lighter Note - 29th March 2013
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.
I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.
On a Lighter Note - 22 March 2013
The Managing Director was talking to his Sales Manager, Derek one day about a number of issues had emerged that had a potential damaging effect on the business. He said “Can you go and talk to the Credit Manager straight away” Derek said “Did you not know, I haven’t spoken to her in over six months” The MD inquired “Have you had a falling out?” “No” said Derek “It’s just, I didn't want to interrupt her”
On a lighter note - 16 March 2013
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash
cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he
marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the
plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he
marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the
plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
On a Lighter Note - 8 March 2013
On a Lighter Note - 1 March 2013
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old.
Well . . . You'll love this one.
My name is Alice, and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school.
"Yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" i asked.
He answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!", i exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled faced,
Gray-haired,
Decrepit,
Old Man
Asked,
"What did you teach?"
Well . . . You'll love this one.
My name is Alice, and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school.
"Yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" i asked.
He answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!", i exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled faced,
Gray-haired,
Decrepit,
Old Man
Asked,
"What did you teach?"